When Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris broke up, like, two weeks ago, I felt nothing, obviously. Because when two pretty, rich, famous people break up, they are bound to experience other magical romances, while I remain at my work desk writing an email to someone who needs a response ASAP about some trivial thing that literally no one else cares about.
Then, this happened:
— Dan Wootton (@danwootton) June 15, 2016
Like the bored loser I am, I read the entire Sun article, and felt a strange sense of sympathy for…Calvin Harris. Yes, Calvin Harris, of all people.
To provide some context, I’ve always thought Calvin Harris looked like a douchebag. In fact, I’ll go a bit further: I’ve always thought Calvin Harris was a douchebag, and was precisely the kind of douchebag who existed in the Taylor Swift Media Narrative solely to complete Taylor Swift’s post-1989 transformation from Blonde Taylor to Brunette Taylor a la the “You Belong with Me” music video (“Blonde Taylor” and “Brunette Taylor,” as in the characters, not the actual hair colors). Continuing my lifelong tradition of making shit up, I concluded all of these things about Calvin Harris knowing absolutely nothing about Calvin Harris, except for a few of his top 40 pop hits. I wasn’t really sure if he had any thoughts, feelings, or personality, and even if he did, I was pretty sure they were of the douche variety.
A few months ago, I read that Calvin Harris chose the name “Calvin Harris” to be “racially ambiguous.” Not quite douchey, but seems extremely silly. Calvin Harris, in the same interview, even went on to say, “I thought people might not know if I was black or not.” Sure, okay. I don’t really know how the music industry or EDM fans would perceive the difference between his birth name “Adam Wiles” and “Calvin Harris,” or why it would even matter because they are both seemingly bland and potentially white boy names, so Calvin Harris may have been over-thinking this non-problem.
So despite all of this, the Sun article made me sad for the guy. This particular paragraph sort of got me:
Taylor and Calvin announced their split on June 1, just ten days after Calvin was involved in a car crash in Los Angeles just hours before he was due to DJ in Las Vegas.
He was being driven to the airport when a 16-year-old girl crashed her Volkswagen Beetle into his 4×4, leaving him with facial cuts.
Calvin Harris was involved in a car crash with a 16-year-old girl (is she okay??). Then girlfriend Taylor Swift breaks up with him. Two weeks later, The Sun publishes a bunch of ridiculously picture-esque photos of ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift and her new beau, Tumblr heartthrob, Tom Hiddleston.
Okay, I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but the fact that an internationally renowned DJ (I guess?? I know nothing about DJs, but I know this guy’s name and he’s Scottish, so he must be both international and renowned) had to miss a DJ gig in Vegas because he was involved in a car crash with a teenage girl is enough for me to do some research on the guy. Oh, and his ex-girlfriend, who many predicted was going to base her next album about HIM dumping HER broke up with HIM and has moved on to a new lover. Who knew this was all that needed to happen for me to be partially intrigued by Calvin Harris? Probably no one.
Moreover, Calvin Harris has begun removing evidence on social media that he and Taylor Swift were ever a thing. He has recently unfollowed her and her brother (lol he followed her brother? and unfollowed him? bro didn’t do anything wrong, though!!) on Twitter, deleted their break-up PSA tweet, and deleted some Instagram photos. Pretty sad!
All of this made me wonder: Who is the real Calvin Harris? Is he really a douchebag? Which led me to an insightful, candid interview with Calvin Harris from 2009–back when he was still primarily working with British artists. Most notably, this part stood out to me:
A supremely motivated sole trader – he’s never touched drugs and has been teetotal for a year, the better to have a clear, creative mind at all times – he writes, produces and mixes all his own music.
(So, if only Mike Posner had been hanging out with Calvin Harris instead of Avicii, he wouldn’t have had to try so hard! Except he also wouldn’t have been able to pen his comeback hit with that cool opening line, sadly.)
I’m sort of shocked that Calvin Harris doesn’t need drugs or alcohol to sustain his line of work, yet I admire his discipline. I would need a lot of drugs and alcohol to play EDM music every night to my drugs and alcohol induced fans. But what is more shocking is that this directly contradicts with my image of Calvin Harris. I was about 105% sure that Calvin Harris was this stoner drugged up alcoholic party boy who was definitely going to cheat on Taylor Swift with a million models, perhaps one or two from her #squad, but now, after reading this interview from 2009 (I know it’s from 2009, but let’s just say he’s still the same dude), I kind of doubt he was ever that kind of douche.
I also appreciate some of Calvin Harris’ tweets the article referenced:
YouTube have now removed the ORIGINAL mix and video of ‘Ready for the Weekend’, due to a ‘copyright claim’. It’s my song, you bastards (12.46am, 23 July)
There are videos up there that other people have uploaded of the same song, and they haven’t been removed!? But mine has! (12.50am, 23 July)
It’s the fucking BPI [British Phonographic Industry]. ‘The BPI’ what have you ever done for anybody you useless shower… (12.52am, 23 July)
Piers Morgan interviewing Richard Branson asking him how much is a pint of milk, really insightful journalism. I hate ITV (2.53pm, 1 March)
I’m glad Kate Nash is getting married, imagine all the material she’ll have for next album, buying a dress, doing your hair, eating a cake (4.17am, 25 February)
I totally just listened to an old Kate Nash favorite, “Merry Happy,” and girl literally sang “Dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast.” So my new man CH (as this post dwindles down, we’re now on an initial basis) has a point here.
Also, it’s sort of comforting to learn that he used to look like a weird alt nerd. I like to think if you were ever part of our community, you’re always going to be part of our community. But he gives me hope that we (as in the weird alt nerd community, I guess) may all grow up to be super chiseled Armani models.
I’m going to conclude this convoluted rant? defense? love letter? of Calvin Harris with this majestic tweet from today:
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) June 15, 2016
Relatable! I guess Calvin Harris is an okay person after all.