Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire “rekindling” a romance that no one told me about

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The moment when Ashton Kutcher saw a future where then-wife Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire would end up together and telepathically shared that knowledge with Rosario Dawson who smiled awkwardly because she didn’t know how to telepathically respond.

I suddenly have the will to blog again on this oft-neglected pop culture blog! And it’s because Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire are reportedly dating! So glad to hear that 2016 is going to end on a relatively good note, after a year of deeply shitty celebrity break-ups (RIP Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber), with the exception of Brangelina. Good god Brangelina is over. I thought Brangelina was going to last forever, so it was a pleasant surprise that it ended.

Yes, I realize that Demi Moore hasn’t starred in a decent movie for what seems like decades. I actually saw LOL when it was on Netflix–it was this movie where Demi Moore plays Miley Cyrus’s mother and it was awful! It was a nearly-post-Ashton, post-Bruce Demi, post-movie star Demi–a very different Demi, indeed, but also a very strange Demi, I guess? A Demi that is out of her element, for sure. But this woman still looks gorgeous. Not for her age, mind you. She still looks gorgeous, period. Most of us mere mortals will never look like her.

And I absolutely realize that Tobey Maguire is the bygone Spider-Man of ancient times. During my senior year of college, I overheard these two girls, who must have been college freshmen, talk about how they were going to go see “Spider-Man 2” and my first thought was, “Spider-Man 2, the masterpiece from 2004 that the late Roger Ebert went CRAZY over, is back in theatres?” and then realized they were talking about some new movie starring Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone. Perhaps the most important thing that Tobey Maguire has done in the past few years is…being Leonardo DiCaprio’s best friend? Which I am more than happy to document for the uninitiated someday! I am a bonafide historian of this friendship.

There are so many things I love about “Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire Dating” that I don’t know where to start. APPARENTLY Demi and Tobey dated back in 2002? No one has ever told me this important fact. I would have very much appreciated if someone had just stopped me on the street between 2002 and, I don’t know, present times, and been like–not in a creepy whispery way, but in a totally casual, Sunday-in-the-park kind of way–“Hey, Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire used to date” and I would have obviously gone on an Internet rampage to find every bit of information I could about their relationship circa 2002. I would have gone all Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx on them, trust me.

The reason that Demi and Tobey are even rekindling their relationship now is because Tobey recently split from his wife of nine years (and the mother of Leonardo DiCaprio’s godchildren), Jennifer Meyer. So Tobey’s been out partying with his Pussy Posse bros and there have even been rumors that Tobey might take on Leo’s leadership role as Leo gets serious with his model girlfriend who is my age (AND can we talk about how girls my age are literally dating LEONARDO DICAPRIO aka Longtime Friend of Tobey and Kate Winslet and I am sitting here doing a really shitty job painting my nails with cheap-ass Forever 21 glitter nail polish–that’s all I have to say). Tobey COULD make the argument that Peter Parker is as legendary as Jack Dawson, right? Well, it doesn’t look like Tobey will be single and leading the posse for much longer!

So basically, a “source” is saying that Demi reached out to Tobey and she’s been sending him “sexy texts,” whatever that means. I guess this all works out when you’re DEMI MOORE. No sane man is going to leave a text from DEMI MOORE unanswered. She could text you anything: “Hey.” “How’s it going?” “Spider-Man 3.” (In contrast, all sane men leave texts from me unanswered ahahaha.) And they’ve been seeing each other again due to Demi’s excellent outreach tactic! (So she probably didn’t text “Spider-Man 3.”) Love is in the air!

I have no idea why I am so excited about this couple. I mean, I guess Demi Moore deserves a nice guy? Ashton Kutcher has moved on to Mila Kunis! Bruce Willis is now married to some supermodel! If Demi Moore doesn’t want to be alone, she shouldn’t be! And Tobey Maguire seems like a relatively nice guy despite going on a hormone-fueled misogyny spree in his late adolescence. Like, Tobey Maguire is actually a really weird guy? In a good way! You need to watch his Great Gatsby press tour. Then you’ll know what I mean. Here’s an interview with him and Carey Mulligan, who he should star in a Nancy Meyers romantic comedy with:

WAIT ALSO I FORGOT THIS WAS IN THIS INTERVIEW BUT TOBEY MAGUIRE TELLS A STORY THAT HE SAW KATE WINSLET WHO TOLD HIM SATAN’S ALLEY WAS HIS CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT AHHHH. I’m so glad I dug up this video!

Anyway, Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire are back together, even though no one knew they were together in the first place. Congratulations, I hope these crazy middle-aged kids work this out soon. I hope Rumer approves. I hope Leo approves. And if Carey Mulligan ever hears about it through the grapevine (or at a Mumford and Sons concert, mayhaps), I hope she approves as well! Because I certainly approve!

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What is up with Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx?

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I NEED THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR ROMANCE AS IT IS PERSONALLY IMPORTANT TO ME

A year ago, Medha casually mentioned to me that she read somewhere that Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx may be dating. After I learned this life-changing piece of information, I went all Woodward and Bernstein on this shit, trying to dig up every single detail possible about a potential Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx romance. However, I’m sorry to say, the Internet had very little to say about Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx.

Yet, I’m still absolutely obsessed with them.

If there is one thing someone needs to know about me is that I am a really serious shipper. I am always on the prowl for my next favorite ship. It is the most altruistic thing I do because I don’t benefit from any of this at all in any shape or form. I simply feel happy for these potential lovebirds who will never invite me to their dates, weddings, baby showers, and anniversary parties, mostly because they either will never get together, don’t know me, and/or are fictional characters.

Note some startling examples of my shipping lunacy:

  1. When I was in second grade, I was in the church children’s choir and I shipped these two third graders. This was my first ship ever. A year later, I found out they were actually cousins.
  2. One day during summer vacation before college, I wrote a 10-page “shipper manifesto” (it’s a LiveJournal thing) on every single “ship” moment between Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes in the course of the entire run of Seinfeld. I never published it, but I’m pretty proud of it.
  3. During season four and five of Gossip Girl, I definitely reblogged at least ten Dan and Blair gifs on Tumblr per night (and subsequently cried my heart out when Blair chose Chuck over Dan in the season five finale).
  4. Once, my friend admitted to me that she has always liked the guy I shipped her with and I started forming real tears in my eyes.
  5. I was once at my friend’s apartment, and she invited over this guy I shipped her with, and I couldn’t stop smiling in their presence, to a point that my mouth started hurting.
  6. I said “RIP Matthew Crawley” after every episode of Downton Abbey post-season three I’ve ever watched.

So I think you all get the point: I fixate on other people’s romantic relationships, or especially, potential romantic relationships. To me, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are no different. I want to get to the bottom of this, so I can cry some happy tears.

While Medha and I have been sharing details about Katie and Jamie over the past year on Facebook Messenger, it looks like the mainstream media has finally caught on to the magic that is Katie and Jamie. To me, Katie and Jamie are the TomKat that Katie deserved in the first place. I never understood the appeal of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, a relationship that was made more cringe-worthy with Tom Cruise’s Scientology advocacy and Oprah couch-jumping; so, in short, a relationship that has been made more cringe-worthy due to Tom Cruise’s frustrating public antics. Hey, but at least we got Suri and Suri’s Burn Book out of it.

I don’t personally know Katie (just FYI, in case anyone was wondering), but I feel like she deserves a guy like Jamie, a man who actually has an Oscar and whose children can actually visit their mother. I don’t personally know Jamie either (I feel like I almost did during the 2004 Oscar season), but I think he deserves a strong woman like Katie who has really battled life’s tribulations, as I would assume leaving Scientology and divorcing Tom Cruise are both really big life events. So I basically decided, based on the little I know about them, that they are both complex, fully formed people, and they should be together.

A few days ago, Medha pointed out to me (I’m not sure why I’m writing this piece because Medha co-owns the blog and has all the information, but I’ll keep going), with the message, “idk about this but big if true,” that Katie is probably pregnant with Jamie’s daughter, and they are probably going to get married. I was elated, obviously. Then, after a quick Internet search, I found out it might not be true and returned to my natural state as a petulant jerk.

Let’s back up a bit, though, shall we? We never even got confirmation as to whether or not Katie and Jamie are actually dating. All we know is that they danced at the Hamptons and held hands at least once because we have the photos to prove it. But it’s frustrating, though. I understand that both Katie and Jamie want us to respect their privacy and their families’ privacy, but I would definitely go out of my way to buy a newsstand copy of People Magazine to get the exclusive directly from them.

But we’re getting so much information between the lines of the gossip rags, and all of it makes me love Katie’s and Jamie’s relationship even more. Jamie allegedly calls Katie “my girl.” Jamie allegedly treats Suri as one of his own. Katie and Jamie are happy they are having a girl because they claim they wouldn’t know what to do with a boy, as both parties have only raised girls before. (Yeah, I know I am quoting the same three articles, but bear with me).

Then I wonder if it’s awkward for Jamie because he co-starred with Tom Cruise in Collateral, and they were both pretty much the only two people in that movie, so they probably got pretty close. Is this a violation of the bro code? Doesn’t matter–that’s an “old movie,” as some of my fellow millennials might say.

If none of this is true, these gossip writers are writing the best fanfiction of their lives. I’ve grown to love “Katie Holmes” and “Jamie Foxx” through their writing, and I’ve never been a big fan of either actor. So congratulations on this narrative, you twenty-first century Hedda Hopper wannabes!

Now, most importantly, I just want Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx to be happy–separately, or together. But preferably, together.

Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian Split, Probably

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[Insert shamrock emoji here]

Rob Kardashian, the only son of Robert Kardashian and Kris Jenner and the “mogul” behind a socks-only clothing line, has reportedly ended his relationship with his half-sister Kylie’s current boyfriend Tyga’s babymama Blac Chyna.

Whew, that was hard to get out.

This not-yet-confirmed news broke today after a whirlwind romance, which began when Blac Chyna posted an Instagram photo of her wrapped in some dude’s tattooed arms. That some dude was Rob Kardashian,as it turns out.

Soon after, the reclusive Rob, who has been in hiding for over a year due to physical and mental health issues that we’d rather not get into (but we fully support his road to recovery #pray4rob), began posting suggestive photos of and with his new lova. He even gifted Blac Chyna with an actually really cool pop art portrait of her, which likely left Kylie fuming over her half-brother’s burgeoning romance (Although perhaps she was busy promoting her poorly-named nail polish line).

Kylie wasn’t the only Kardashian to voice her distaste for this new coupling. Khloe, who housed Rob in her Calabasas mansion while she arranged cookies in jars, posted some not-so-subtle Tweets, including a Godfather reference: “Never go against the family,” presumably aimed toward Rob/Chyna (even though she later denied it). Rumor has it that Kim and Kourtney were not pleased with Rob’s social media antics either but likely had bigger issues to worry about like Kanye’s $53 million debt and Scott’s partying ways (#prayforye #prayforlorddisick).

Anyway, as of today, it looks like the Kardashian-Jenner Klan can breathe a collective sigh of relief because both Blac Chyna’s and Rob’s Instagram accounts have been scrubbed of any evidence of their relationship. If that isn’t the way to tell whether a relationship is over these days, we don’t know what is.

p.s. Rob: we’re still rooting for you to go to USC Law! It’s never too late, buddy! (This has nothing to do with the fact that I might want to go there).

Nobody’s Perfect, We Gotta Work It (Out)

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Well, it appears Miley Cyrus, Disney-Channel star turned Bangerz twerker is back together with ex-fiancee Liam Hemsworth, the hotter of the Hemsworth brothers and the dude who plays Gale in the Hunger Games.

Side note to People Magazine: It is a travesty that you chose Chris Hemsworth as the Sexiest Man Alive when he’s not even the Sexiest Hemsworth Alive

Anyway, back to Miley & Liam. Yes, the prodigal daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus,  who played Disney Channel’s beloved pop queen Hannah Montana on the hit show of the same name  appears to be hanging out with the hotter Hemsworth again.

Miley and Liam met on the set of one of those terrible Nicholas Sparks movies . While I did not see this movie, I can only assume it was terrible because Nicholas Sparks. Actually, I might choose Nicholas Sparks over John Green, whose first few pages of “The Fault in Our Stars” or “TFIOS” (as the young people call it) made me nauseous.

Miam’s (Miley/Liam, obvs) movie did also star Greg Kinnear. We here at Initial Hype love Greg Kinnear and we can’t wait for the movie that finally casts him as Chief Justice John G. Roberts. Perhaps the film could portray the epic tale of the Affordable Care Act? JK, nobody would watch that.

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What was this post about? Oh right, Miley and Liam. Sorry, got lost in Greg’s and John’s eyes for a moment there. Such mesmerizing. So wow.

K, snap out of it.

Miley spent the holidays with the Hemsworths down undah and she was spotted wearing the old Neil Lane engagement ring that Liam proposed with back in 2012. This sparkler not only indicates that the two are back together but they actually might get married!

What an exciting time for Miam fans everywhere, who thought it was all over after Miley did this with Robin Thicke.

Shortly after, Paula Patton dumped Robin Thicke’s sorry ass (yaaaas, queen) and it was only a matter of time before Miley and Liam followed suit. We’re glad that of the two, this couple got back together. We just hope Patrick Schwarzenegger and his pizzas will be fine.

Gayn D’Oh!

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Well, it appears that this new romance is official. Gizi? GiZay? ZayGi? Gayn? Ok, let’s stick with Gayn.

Who, you may ask? Let’s break it down:

Zayn “High Notes” Malik is the 22 year old heartthrob and most beautiful member of One Direction (1D). In 2015, Mr. Malik left both 1D and his fiancee Perrie Edwards  to pursue a solo career and an American girl, respectively, under false pretenses of wanting to be “a normal 22 year old.”

Yes, because normal 22 year olds give very long interviews to Fader magazine at the bar that’s conveniently situated in their backyards.

Gigi Hadid, at 20 years old, is the eldest daughter of Yolanda Foster (of RHOBH fame and apparently Kris Jenner’s BFF too…side note: how do I become Kris Jenner’s BFF?) and a new Victoria’s Secret Angel. She’s also the reigning BFF of Kendall Jenner and a key member of her #squad. Gigi was most recently in a relationship with Joe Jonas, which ended in November (presumably after Joe and his weirdass band did this).

Meanwhile, Zayn’s former bandmate, Harry “Yung Mick Jagger” Styles was spotted vacationing in St. Bart’s with Kendall Jenner, even though he finds her rather boring .

Well, whatever happens with these two apparent couples, we can only hope that eventually the foursome will go on double dates, which will eventually lead to a One Direction reunion. Oh wait, but Louis has to be a dad now.

Goddammit, Louis.

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A Bachelor in a strange land, and in a stranger (but awesome) post-show

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Sean Lowe’s heir apparent, Ben Higgins mildly tolerates 28 beautiful women.

The Bachelor has returned for its twentieth season, and the new Bachelor is long-suffering Bachelor host, Chris Harrison.

NOPE. IN YOUR DREAMS.

(But please, everyone, hashtag the hell out of #ChrisHarrisonForBachelor. I swear, ABC is missing out on a ratings galore. If I were running for president, #ChrisHarrisonForBachelor would definitely be my main political platform.)

The new Bachelor is actually the remarkably half-fratty, half-puppy (depending on the angle, I suppose) former Bachelorette contestant, Ben Higgins. Ben is an Indiana native who currently lives in Denver, loves the outdoors, and is a software business analyst. So totally normal guy! As evidenced by his LinkedIn profile, he appears to have some confusion over the proper use of semicolons and commas, which is another normal problem that normal people tend to have.

I’d personally consider that a dealbreaker, but 28 girls disagree. There are 28 girls who are willing to disregard the fact that Ben does not how to properly punctuate, and I must say, the oversight is completely understandable. Because this guy is a sweetheart, despite all the weirdos that the Bachelor producers managed to attract this season.

Ben had to deal with professional Las Vegas twins (as they were coming out of the limo, Ben said, “Group hug?”); Lace, the crazy-ass villain this season who is an IRL unsympathetic Mary Crawley; a “Chicken enthusiast”; an “Unemployed” woman (who is not weird, but she is also “Unemployed,” so what is the story there?); a woman who arrived with a giant-ass flower on her head; a woman who brought her horse with her; a woman who hiked a football just so she could show her ass (creative!); a woman who left her news anchor job to be on this fucking show; and a woman who broke up with her boyfriend to date this guy on television.

Yeah, like I said, crazy.

To be honest, though, I was pretty charmed by Ben, who called his parents to say good night after the limo arrivals were over. Ben’s sincerity really reminded me of Sean Lowe, who is probably the greatest Bachelor ever, mainly because he treated the women like human beings (gasp) and very clearly loved Catherine, and Catherine alone. Except Sean did put the women in life-threatening situations on the dates (e.g., sky diving, diving into freezing water, etc.) and the women felt pressured to participate. So except for the fact that Sean was sort of a sadist, he is probably the greatest Bachelor ever.

Surprisingly, though, the real fun didn’t start during The Bachelor. As far as this show goes, this season-starter seemed pretty typical.  The real fun started after The Bachelor, with a new four-week post-Bachelor show called, Bachelor Live.

“What the hell is Bachelor Live?” you may ask.

To paraphase Chris Harrison (#ChrisHarrisonForBachelor), Bachelor Live is a post-game show for The Bachelor so fans can call in and tweet to the show, and it exists so ABC has something to air before Castle comes back. But I hope Castle never comes back (as it shouldn’t, because your neighbor’s grandmother is the only person still watching that show) because BACHELOR LIVE IS AWESOME.

Chris Harrison introduces two guests to the show: Academy Award-winning screenwriter (and very cool Entertainment Weekly columnist), DIABLO CODY (of all people) and actress Lauren Lapkus. And they all proceed to play the Bachelor Live Fantasy Draft, which is apparently a real thing, using cardboard cutouts of the ladies. (You can also play the Bachelor fantasy draft using a kind of lame-looking PDF ABC officially created, even though I guess you can make your own cardboard cutouts, if you have the time.) The coolest thing about Chris, Diablo, and Lauren (I’ve decided we’re all on a first-name basis now) is that they watch the show like the rest of us: with guilt, with pleasure, with irony.

Then, just when you thought this show couldn’t get any better, Academy Award-nominated actress ABIGAIL BRESLIN SKYPES INTO BACHELOR LIVE. Because she’s a huge fan, and had a few things to say to Ben–

–Ben, who is sitting RIGHT THERE IN THE HOT SEAT IN BACHELOR LIVE, just taking it from all these fans who think he’s adorable, but also acknowledge that he’s on a totally ridiculous show. And he definitely knows too, which kind of makes him all the more charming. Chris Harrison does compare Ben to Sean, hinting that Ben could be one of the greatest Bachelors ever, too. Plus, Ben and Sean seem to be tight, which is great to know.

At one point, Ben had to make space on the conveniently three-person couch for Kaitlyn, the Bachelorette who sent Ben home, and her fiance (from The Bachelorette), Shawn. It was sort of awkward! But kind of not, since the three best friends revealed that they had a few drunk Skype conversations already.

Bachelor Live felt like a amalgam of two very cool worlds: that ridiculous party that you couldn’t wait to tell your friends about because you couldn’t believe how Curb Your Enthusiasm it was, and that ridiculous party that you really wished you were invited to, and couldn’t even crash, because you’re physically unable to CLIMB INTO YOUR TELEVISION SCREEN.

But WAIT, as the show came to an end, Chris Harrison announced that next week’s guests will include former Bachelor Chris Soules (ugh) and, wait for it…

…THE ONE AND ONLY QUEEN KRIS JENNER.