I suddenly have the will to blog again on this oft-neglected pop culture blog! And it’s because Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire are reportedly dating! So glad to hear that 2016 is going to end on a relatively good note, after a year of deeply shitty celebrity break-ups (RIP Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber), with the exception of Brangelina. Good god Brangelina is over. I thought Brangelina was going to last forever, so it was a pleasant surprise that it ended.
Yes, I realize that Demi Moore hasn’t starred in a decent movie for what seems like decades. I actually saw LOL when it was on Netflix–it was this movie where Demi Moore plays Miley Cyrus’s mother and it was awful! It was a nearly-post-Ashton, post-Bruce Demi, post-movie star Demi–a very different Demi, indeed, but also a very strange Demi, I guess? A Demi that is out of her element, for sure. But this woman still looks gorgeous. Not for her age, mind you. She still looks gorgeous, period. Most of us mere mortals will never look like her.
And I absolutely realize that Tobey Maguire is the bygone Spider-Man of ancient times. During my senior year of college, I overheard these two girls, who must have been college freshmen, talk about how they were going to go see “Spider-Man 2” and my first thought was, “Spider-Man 2, the masterpiece from 2004 that the late Roger Ebert went CRAZY over, is back in theatres?” and then realized they were talking about some new movie starring Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone. Perhaps the most important thing that Tobey Maguire has done in the past few years is…being Leonardo DiCaprio’s best friend? Which I am more than happy to document for the uninitiated someday! I am a bonafide historian of this friendship.
There are so many things I love about “Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire Dating” that I don’t know where to start. APPARENTLY Demi and Tobey dated back in 2002? No one has ever told me this important fact. I would have very much appreciated if someone had just stopped me on the street between 2002 and, I don’t know, present times, and been like–not in a creepy whispery way, but in a totally casual, Sunday-in-the-park kind of way–“Hey, Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire used to date” and I would have obviously gone on an Internet rampage to find every bit of information I could about their relationship circa 2002. I would have gone all Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx on them, trust me.
The reason that Demi and Tobey are even rekindling their relationship now is because Tobey recently split from his wife of nine years (and the mother of Leonardo DiCaprio’s godchildren), Jennifer Meyer. So Tobey’s been out partying with his Pussy Posse bros and there have even been rumors that Tobey might take on Leo’s leadership role as Leo gets serious with his model girlfriend who is my age (AND can we talk about how girls my age are literally dating LEONARDO DICAPRIO aka Longtime Friend of Tobey and Kate Winslet and I am sitting here doing a really shitty job painting my nails with cheap-ass Forever 21 glitter nail polish–that’s all I have to say). Tobey COULD make the argument that Peter Parker is as legendary as Jack Dawson, right? Well, it doesn’t look like Tobey will be single and leading the posse for much longer!
So basically, a “source” is saying that Demi reached out to Tobey and she’s been sending him “sexy texts,” whatever that means. I guess this all works out when you’re DEMI MOORE. No sane man is going to leave a text from DEMI MOORE unanswered. She could text you anything: “Hey.” “How’s it going?” “Spider-Man 3.” (In contrast, all sane men leave texts from me unanswered ahahaha.) And they’ve been seeing each other again due to Demi’s excellent outreach tactic! (So she probably didn’t text “Spider-Man 3.”) Love is in the air!
I have no idea why I am so excited about this couple. I mean, I guess Demi Moore deserves a nice guy? Ashton Kutcher has moved on to Mila Kunis! Bruce Willis is now married to some supermodel! If Demi Moore doesn’t want to be alone, she shouldn’t be! And Tobey Maguire seems like a relatively nice guy despite going on a hormone-fueled misogyny spree in his late adolescence. Like, Tobey Maguire is actually a really weird guy? In a good way! You need to watch his Great Gatsby press tour. Then you’ll know what I mean. Here’s an interview with him and Carey Mulligan, who he should star in a Nancy Meyers romantic comedy with:
WAIT ALSO I FORGOT THIS WAS IN THIS INTERVIEW BUT TOBEY MAGUIRE TELLS A STORY THAT HE SAW KATE WINSLET WHO TOLD HIM SATAN’S ALLEY WAS HIS CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT AHHHH. I’m so glad I dug up this video!
Anyway, Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire are back together, even though no one knew they were together in the first place. Congratulations, I hope these crazy middle-aged kids work this out soon. I hope Rumer approves. I hope Leo approves. And if Carey Mulligan ever hears about it through the grapevine (or at a Mumford and Sons concert, mayhaps), I hope she approves as well! Because I certainly approve!