Oops, I Did It Again: The Mozart in the Jungle Season 3 Recap

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Mozart in Venice (not the Jungle)

Yes, loyal readers (LOL), I binge-watched another season of Mozart in the Jungle because clearly I hate myself. THIS was how I decided to spend my first day of winter break?

In the interest of maintaining IH’s tradition of blogging after each season of the show, here we go: Season 3!

(SPOILERS)

We start off in Venice, where Rodrigo (the ever-dreamy Gael Garcia Bernal who is the only reason to watch this show, basically) is hoping to convince opera queen Alessandra aka “La Fiamma” (Monica Belucci who looks fantastic, not just for her age but in general) to return to the stage. There’s only one rule provided to Rodrigo by Alessandra’s assistant/ex-husband: he is not allowed to sleep with her. Of course, he sleeps with her.

Meanwhile, Highligh (Hailey, who is sporting quite the hairstyle this season. I’d describe it as as mullet with short bangs? very 80s rocker) also happens to be traveling Europe with the Andrew Walsh (Dermot Mulroney) Ensemble. During their stint in Venice (hey, look!) she is truly insufferable as she runs around with her gay friend, sleeps with a mime and then throws up in the middle of a performance. Dermot, erm, Andrew is pissed and fires her (#tbt to when they slept together that one time). Highligh is now stuck in Venice but alas, Alessandra and Rodrigo just happened to attend that show and allow her to stay with them while they rehearse.

Back in New York, the orchestra is on strike and have started picketing. Gloria and Thomas have found comfort in each other and have started getting it on. Cool, good for you guys. Gloria is also still trying to get Rodrigo back on board and even calls him while in Venice. Rodrigo hears her voice, she mentions the mayor (he wants the orchestra and management to meet to end the lockout), and Rodridgo throws the phone out the window to some kids playing outside. Yeah, it’s all a bit ridiculous and slow and we begin to wonder why we have spent so much time in Europe. Oh, right, the opera.

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Striking

Rodrigo sleeps with Alessandra, she flips out and runs away, he goes after her (while Gloria jumps onto a gondola in pursuit because apparently she and Thomas are also in Venice now). Alessandra agrees to sing but she’s definitely not happy with Rodrigo. It doesn’t help that she saw him and Highligh kiss (because that is still the main story). Rodrigo’s also in bad shape because Placido Domingo (um, HELLO) just told him that his mentor died.

Yikes, on the night of the opera? The opera goes mostly well-Highligh fears that Alessandra will shoot Rodrigo because she already used a real knife to knick his little rattail DURING the performance (Girl, thank you for doing us all a solid). The world watches as she awkwardly runs onto the floating stage to quietly gasp “stop!” as Alessandra lifts her gun up. Everybody is fine and they put on a great show but it’s clear Alessandra does not want to work with Rodrigo again. Girl’s got some issues. Great voice but major issues.

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Right before she chops off his rattail (BLESS)

Everyone but Alessandra returns to New York, where we find out that Highligh’s roomie Lizzie has bought a bar and is dressing up like a Czech composer. Sure. The lockout ends (finally) and Rodrigo comes up with a great first performance idea-they will perform at Rikers. There’s this whole episode that’s supposed to be a documentary by Bradford Sharpe (played by Jason Schwartzman, a Coppola). It’s kinda moving but also excruciatingly slow. Anyway, the orchestra is back.

Meanwhile, Rodrigo can’t sleep and has taken a pay cut so he kinda just couch hops. Gloria takes Thomas to visit her parents, where he discloses that he wouldn’t want to marry her. Ooh, no, Thomas, no. Highligh also now wants to be a conductor and takes lessons from Thomas after an initial lesson with Rodrigo. She premieres Thomas’ new composition at opening night of Lizzie’s bar. Highligh seems to be having fun but what about her oboe?!

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Oboe No Mo?

Never fear, she’s still interested in her instrument! In fact, Betty the former bitch 1st oboist, is now retiring so that spot’s open. Highligh auditions and so does a cute Asian guy from Chicago. Long story short, they go with the Asian guy. Rodrigo goes to Highligh to break the news and they end up…sleeping together?! Oh yeah, Cynthia has gotten surgery for her carpal tunnel so who knows if she will be able to play again?

While there were some totally pointless arcs and appearances from Yung Mozart, Yung Bach and even Yung Nano (Mozart’s sister), Season 3 was enjoyable and clearly watchable since I got through it in a day. Can’t say the same for Season 2.

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Classic Rodrigo

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Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire “rekindling” a romance that no one told me about

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The moment when Ashton Kutcher saw a future where then-wife Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire would end up together and telepathically shared that knowledge with Rosario Dawson who smiled awkwardly because she didn’t know how to telepathically respond.

I suddenly have the will to blog again on this oft-neglected pop culture blog! And it’s because Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire are reportedly dating! So glad to hear that 2016 is going to end on a relatively good note, after a year of deeply shitty celebrity break-ups (RIP Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber), with the exception of Brangelina. Good god Brangelina is over. I thought Brangelina was going to last forever, so it was a pleasant surprise that it ended.

Yes, I realize that Demi Moore hasn’t starred in a decent movie for what seems like decades. I actually saw LOL when it was on Netflix–it was this movie where Demi Moore plays Miley Cyrus’s mother and it was awful! It was a nearly-post-Ashton, post-Bruce Demi, post-movie star Demi–a very different Demi, indeed, but also a very strange Demi, I guess? A Demi that is out of her element, for sure. But this woman still looks gorgeous. Not for her age, mind you. She still looks gorgeous, period. Most of us mere mortals will never look like her.

And I absolutely realize that Tobey Maguire is the bygone Spider-Man of ancient times. During my senior year of college, I overheard these two girls, who must have been college freshmen, talk about how they were going to go see “Spider-Man 2” and my first thought was, “Spider-Man 2, the masterpiece from 2004 that the late Roger Ebert went CRAZY over, is back in theatres?” and then realized they were talking about some new movie starring Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone. Perhaps the most important thing that Tobey Maguire has done in the past few years is…being Leonardo DiCaprio’s best friend? Which I am more than happy to document for the uninitiated someday! I am a bonafide historian of this friendship.

There are so many things I love about “Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire Dating” that I don’t know where to start. APPARENTLY Demi and Tobey dated back in 2002? No one has ever told me this important fact. I would have very much appreciated if someone had just stopped me on the street between 2002 and, I don’t know, present times, and been like–not in a creepy whispery way, but in a totally casual, Sunday-in-the-park kind of way–“Hey, Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire used to date” and I would have obviously gone on an Internet rampage to find every bit of information I could about their relationship circa 2002. I would have gone all Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx on them, trust me.

The reason that Demi and Tobey are even rekindling their relationship now is because Tobey recently split from his wife of nine years (and the mother of Leonardo DiCaprio’s godchildren), Jennifer Meyer. So Tobey’s been out partying with his Pussy Posse bros and there have even been rumors that Tobey might take on Leo’s leadership role as Leo gets serious with his model girlfriend who is my age (AND can we talk about how girls my age are literally dating LEONARDO DICAPRIO aka Longtime Friend of Tobey and Kate Winslet and I am sitting here doing a really shitty job painting my nails with cheap-ass Forever 21 glitter nail polish–that’s all I have to say). Tobey COULD make the argument that Peter Parker is as legendary as Jack Dawson, right? Well, it doesn’t look like Tobey will be single and leading the posse for much longer!

So basically, a “source” is saying that Demi reached out to Tobey and she’s been sending him “sexy texts,” whatever that means. I guess this all works out when you’re DEMI MOORE. No sane man is going to leave a text from DEMI MOORE unanswered. She could text you anything: “Hey.” “How’s it going?” “Spider-Man 3.” (In contrast, all sane men leave texts from me unanswered ahahaha.) And they’ve been seeing each other again due to Demi’s excellent outreach tactic! (So she probably didn’t text “Spider-Man 3.”) Love is in the air!

I have no idea why I am so excited about this couple. I mean, I guess Demi Moore deserves a nice guy? Ashton Kutcher has moved on to Mila Kunis! Bruce Willis is now married to some supermodel! If Demi Moore doesn’t want to be alone, she shouldn’t be! And Tobey Maguire seems like a relatively nice guy despite going on a hormone-fueled misogyny spree in his late adolescence. Like, Tobey Maguire is actually a really weird guy? In a good way! You need to watch his Great Gatsby press tour. Then you’ll know what I mean. Here’s an interview with him and Carey Mulligan, who he should star in a Nancy Meyers romantic comedy with:

WAIT ALSO I FORGOT THIS WAS IN THIS INTERVIEW BUT TOBEY MAGUIRE TELLS A STORY THAT HE SAW KATE WINSLET WHO TOLD HIM SATAN’S ALLEY WAS HIS CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT AHHHH. I’m so glad I dug up this video!

Anyway, Demi Moore and Tobey Maguire are back together, even though no one knew they were together in the first place. Congratulations, I hope these crazy middle-aged kids work this out soon. I hope Rumer approves. I hope Leo approves. And if Carey Mulligan ever hears about it through the grapevine (or at a Mumford and Sons concert, mayhaps), I hope she approves as well! Because I certainly approve!