A year ago, Medha casually mentioned to me that she read somewhere that Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx may be dating. After I learned this life-changing piece of information, I went all Woodward and Bernstein on this shit, trying to dig up every single detail possible about a potential Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx romance. However, I’m sorry to say, the Internet had very little to say about Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx.
Yet, I’m still absolutely obsessed with them.
If there is one thing someone needs to know about me is that I am a really serious shipper. I am always on the prowl for my next favorite ship. It is the most altruistic thing I do because I don’t benefit from any of this at all in any shape or form. I simply feel happy for these potential lovebirds who will never invite me to their dates, weddings, baby showers, and anniversary parties, mostly because they either will never get together, don’t know me, and/or are fictional characters.
Note some startling examples of my shipping lunacy:
- When I was in second grade, I was in the church children’s choir and I shipped these two third graders. This was my first ship ever. A year later, I found out they were actually cousins.
- One day during summer vacation before college, I wrote a 10-page “shipper manifesto” (it’s a LiveJournal thing) on every single “ship” moment between Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes in the course of the entire run of Seinfeld. I never published it, but I’m pretty proud of it.
- During season four and five of Gossip Girl, I definitely reblogged at least ten Dan and Blair gifs on Tumblr per night (and subsequently cried my heart out when Blair chose Chuck over Dan in the season five finale).
- Once, my friend admitted to me that she has always liked the guy I shipped her with and I started forming real tears in my eyes.
- I was once at my friend’s apartment, and she invited over this guy I shipped her with, and I couldn’t stop smiling in their presence, to a point that my mouth started hurting.
- I said “RIP Matthew Crawley” after every episode of Downton Abbey post-season three I’ve ever watched.
So I think you all get the point: I fixate on other people’s romantic relationships, or especially, potential romantic relationships. To me, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are no different. I want to get to the bottom of this, so I can cry some happy tears.
While Medha and I have been sharing details about Katie and Jamie over the past year on Facebook Messenger, it looks like the mainstream media has finally caught on to the magic that is Katie and Jamie. To me, Katie and Jamie are the TomKat that Katie deserved in the first place. I never understood the appeal of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, a relationship that was made more cringe-worthy with Tom Cruise’s Scientology advocacy and Oprah couch-jumping; so, in short, a relationship that has been made more cringe-worthy due to Tom Cruise’s frustrating public antics. Hey, but at least we got Suri and Suri’s Burn Book out of it.
I don’t personally know Katie (just FYI, in case anyone was wondering), but I feel like she deserves a guy like Jamie, a man who actually has an Oscar and whose children can actually visit their mother. I don’t personally know Jamie either (I feel like I almost did during the 2004 Oscar season), but I think he deserves a strong woman like Katie who has really battled life’s tribulations, as I would assume leaving Scientology and divorcing Tom Cruise are both really big life events. So I basically decided, based on the little I know about them, that they are both complex, fully formed people, and they should be together.
A few days ago, Medha pointed out to me (I’m not sure why I’m writing this piece because Medha co-owns the blog and has all the information, but I’ll keep going), with the message, “idk about this but big if true,” that Katie is probably pregnant with Jamie’s daughter, and they are probably going to get married. I was elated, obviously. Then, after a quick Internet search, I found out it might not be true and returned to my natural state as a petulant jerk.
Let’s back up a bit, though, shall we? We never even got confirmation as to whether or not Katie and Jamie are actually dating. All we know is that they danced at the Hamptons and held hands at least once because we have the photos to prove it. But it’s frustrating, though. I understand that both Katie and Jamie want us to respect their privacy and their families’ privacy, but I would definitely go out of my way to buy a newsstand copy of People Magazine to get the exclusive directly from them.
But we’re getting so much information between the lines of the gossip rags, and all of it makes me love Katie’s and Jamie’s relationship even more. Jamie allegedly calls Katie “my girl.” Jamie allegedly treats Suri as one of his own. Katie and Jamie are happy they are having a girl because they claim they wouldn’t know what to do with a boy, as both parties have only raised girls before. (Yeah, I know I am quoting the same three articles, but bear with me).
Then I wonder if it’s awkward for Jamie because he co-starred with Tom Cruise in Collateral, and they were both pretty much the only two people in that movie, so they probably got pretty close. Is this a violation of the bro code? Doesn’t matter–that’s an “old movie,” as some of my fellow millennials might say.
If none of this is true, these gossip writers are writing the best fanfiction of their lives. I’ve grown to love “Katie Holmes” and “Jamie Foxx” through their writing, and I’ve never been a big fan of either actor. So congratulations on this narrative, you twenty-first century Hedda Hopper wannabes!
Now, most importantly, I just want Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx to be happy–separately, or together. But preferably, together.